HOW HAWKWIND SAVED CHRISTMAS
CHAPTER 1
Twas the 21st December in the year 2003. Veteran British space rock band Hawkwind were in London to play their now annual Christmas gig which this year was taking place at the Astoria. Our story starts in the backstage area of the famous venue, it was about ten to nine and showtime was fast approaching, the core members of Dave, Alan and Richard were joined by assorted guest's such as guitarist Huw Lloyd Langton, 70's punk singer Lene Lovich and the TV and Radio presenter Matthew Wright who had recently "came out" as a massive fan of the band, he was speaking on his mobile phone -
"no, no that's not a problem, I've cleared it with Dave and Kris you're on the guest list, when you get here come around to the back stage door, tell the bloke who you are and he'll let you in and get a all areas pass issued to you, just remember I've put you down as Anthony! anyway got to go, I'll catch up with you after the show!"
He turned to the others and thanked Dave for sorting out getting his mate on the guestlist at such short notice.
"No problem" replied Dave "big fan then is he your mate?"
"Oh yeah" Matthew continued "he's had to work late that's why he's not here yet but I said you'd see him after the gig, maybe have a photo taken and a quick chat"
"Well I don't really like having me picture taken but seeing as he's a friend of yours, we'll see what we can do, so anyway Matthew fancy doing something other than Spirit of the age tonight?"
"err no, spirit will be fine" the usually confident former tabloid journalist seemed somewhat surprised and confused by Dave's question but just at that moment Kris Tait poked her head around the door.
"Okay boys we're ready for you, Neil and Marie are at their stations for the light show, Collin has got his Laptop and Fostex D2424LV and three Behringer HA8000s all set up to record the gig and the crowd are getting very impatient, so just say the word and we'll get this show on the road"
Dave looked around at the rest of them, nothing was said just a nod here an acknowledgement their, they'd all gone through this ritual a 1000 times before, well maybe with the exception of Matthew but with his TV work he also know the score, Brock turned back to Kris
"No time like the present, let's do it"
You could sense a sudden jump in the excitement levels amongst the band members as they left the confines of the dressing room and followed the sign that said -
STAGE THIS WAY
As they progressed along the maze of corridors Kris spoke into a 2 way radio
"Okay Collin can you hear me"
"Go ahead Kris"
"Right it's all systems go at this end, get Neil to drop the houselights we're just approaching the stage as I speak"
"Will do Kris, tell 'em to have a good one from me, the crowd are well up for this one tonight the atmosphere is building by the minute"
By the side of the stage they were met by the Keith's Barton and Kniveton who would both be adding their own contributions to the unique mix of sounds and sensations that is Hawkwind, on guitar and synths respectively. Unfortunately for them though they also made up part of Hawkwind's small but dedicated crew so they also had their "day jobs" to do of setting up and checking the bands equipment, so hence did not have the luxury of being able to relax before the show begins.
"Alright boys, you ready for this?" was Dave's opening gambit to the Keith's "lets make this one a bit special - a night to remember"
As he spoke the houselights extinguished and the already excited crowd went absolutely mad and for a few seconds the noise was deafening, when he could make himself heard Dave exclaimed - "Lets do it!" and with that the three core members of Dave, Alan and Richard together with the 2 Keith's strolled out onto the stage (the others would make guest appearances throughout the show) to yet more roars of approval and casually ambled over to their respective instruments and got themselves ready for the nights work. After a few seconds Dave spoke into his microphone -
"Good evening" more cheers "I hope you are all well and have done all your Christmas shopping" an assortment of cheers, boos and laughter "well if you haven't there's some nice t-shirts available after the show from the merchandise stand" more laughter "but for now this is called Magnu, thank you"
The crowds roar of approval beat everything that had gone before it and without further ado Dave started up the riff to one of the bands best loved songs......
Across London Matthews mate appeared in his elegant front room and turned to his wife who was playing with their young son.
"How do I look?" he asked
"Bloody ridiculous" his wife replied, "How I ever fell for you is beyond me, all you ever wore was those bloody black concert t-shirts, flared jeans and that demin jacket"
This is indeed how he was dressed tonight, these days his job required him to have a more "upmarket" dress sense but these clothes were the ones he felt most comfortable in, for tonight's little excursion he chose a 1981 sonic attack t-shirt to compliment the aforementioned flares and the jacket that in years gone by he had lovingly embroidered with the names of his favourite artists, Hawkwind being one of them, however it must also be noted that the onslaught of time had not been kind to either cloths or for that matter the individuals waistline. "Snug fitting" would be one way to describe the look.
"Right then I'll be off"
"How are you getting there?" his wife asked
"Gordon from next door is giving me a lift up there, not sure how I'll get back, it's not far, if it isn't raining I'll probably walk, if not I'll grab a cab, it's not like we can't afford it!"
"Well just be careful and behave yourself, I remember the mess you used to get yourself in at those rock concerts you went to"
"Don't worry love that was years ago I'm far more responsible now, back then I didn't have a care in the world, not like now, I'll be fine"
"Well just mind how you go, it's not often you go out on your own these days, just be careful" his wife now seemed a little concerned for her husband.
"Don't worry" he said to try and reassure her "I'll be fine, I don't know what time I'll be back though, what with having a backstage pass!", he gave a look that can only be described as very similar to the one that Wayne and Garth had in the film Wayne's World when they too were the lucky owners of backstage passes, there's was for wrinkly rocker Alice Cooper while his was for wrinkly rockers Hawkwind.
Just on cue there was a double blast from a car horn outside.
"That'll be Gordon" He gave his wife a hug and a kiss and then knelt down to offer the same affection to his young son who replied "da da", the look of pride that filled his eyes was clear for all to see.
"Go on don't keep Gordon waiting, have a good time but just be careful!"
"Thank you" Dave Brock acknowledged the audience as he brought the song Master of the universe to a close with yet more rabid cheering from the crowd. This was indeed turning into a very special evening. It was only the third song of the set but already the band was well settled into a groove. Any minor gremlins with the sound had been sorted during the first number, Magnu by sound man Fleece and the mix was now as near perfect as you could expect, the guitars were nice and heavy, Alan's Bass was audible but not overpowering, Richard's drums were underpinning everything and Keith Kniveton's synths were coming in great waves accross the music. Members of the audience were commenting to those nearby how animated Dave looked this evening, usually one of the bands biggest critics even he looked content and happy with how things were going.
"Right the next song is Angels of Death, please welcome an old and dear friend of the band, ladies and gentlemen Huw Lloyd Langton" The crowd showed it's appreciation the only way it knew how to - another huge rush of cheers and claps. Although he now looked frail and every step he made looked laboured, as soon as he started playing nobody was left in any doubt as to whether the old magic had gone as it most certainly hadn't.
Meanwhile Gordon and his passenger were now heading through the streets of London, destination Tottenham Court Road, as they travelled they talked about various topics, current affairs, football and music. Whilst nowhere near as keen on Hawkwind as his neighbour he would probably have joined him at the gig was it not for the fact that his wife had only recently given birth to their first child and in consequence things at home were a bit "mad". Still he was happy to help a friend and at the same time it did give him an excuse to get out of the house for half an hour. Indeed after 15 minutes he was pulling up outside of the Astoria to allow his chum to get out.
"Thanks mate, appreciate that, I'll speak to you tomorrow"
"You will indeed" was Gordon's reply in his soft Edinburgh drawl "Have a good time!"
With that the door was shut and the gleaming Jaguar accelerated off into the cold London night, leaving it's passenger on the pavement and in search of the backstage door, which he found quite quickly at the rear of the venue. As he walked down the side he could hear the band wrapping up a new song Angela Android to yet more ecstatic reaction.
"Give a big hand to Lene Lovich" bellowed Dave Brock as the now very excited guest approached the backstage door that was guarded by a lone security official who looked both cold and bored in equal measures, that was until he recognised the identity of this "Very Important Person"
"Chuffing Nora, it's you isn't it!" the security guard exclaimed
"Well err, yes, I guess it is me, been a fan of this lot for years I should be on the guest list courtesy of Matthew Wright I used my full name"
The security guard interrupted "Mr Blair or should I say prime minister it's freezing out here get inside at once!!!!
Unsurprisingly the formalities to issue the British prime minister with his access all areas backstage pass for Hawkwind's 2003 Christmas gig was a quick affair, I mean it wasn't as if his identity needed verifying was it! and in a matter of minutes the small piece of laminated plastic was hanging around the PM's neck on a fluorescent chord.
He thanked the security guard for being so efficient and then added - "I'd appreciate it if you kept this under your hat, know what I mean, I haven't seen the Hawks in years and I'm really looking forward to this so I'd prefer it if my presence was kept secret, at the end of the day this is my time so it's not like I want to start talking about the bloody NHS or stealth taxes is it!"
"No, of course sir" was the guards reply before giving Mr Blair directions to the main hall. They exchanged good bye's and seasonal greetings before the most important man in Britain strolled off down the corridor to go and watch Hawkwind play the remainder of their set. Shortly afterwards the security man was relieved of his duties on the stage door by a colleague and as hard as he tried this piece of news was too much for him to keep to himself.
"Now you're not supposed to know this" he said "but you'll never guess who's just turned up?"
"Oh I don't know, Kylie Minouge, she'll turn up to the opening of a letter!"
"No better than that, how about the Right Honourable Tony Blair, member of parliament for the constituency of Sedgefield and the Prime Minister of Great Britain no less"
"Get away with ya and stop pulling my plonker"
"No look at this here are his details, address 10 Downing street.
"Well f**k my old boots, amazing, what's he doing coming to see this lots of old codgers?"
"Apparently he's a big fan, but look you've got to keep this to yourself, promise me"
"Oh yeah of course I will, no worries"
With that the first guard left his post that had now become the charge of his colleague and proceeded down the same corridor that only a few minutes previously had been occupied by arguably one of the world's most important statesmen, however rather than head for the main hall the security guard turned in the opposite direction that would take him to a rest room set aside for personnel such as himself where he could have a smoke and a cup of tea to warm himself up. As he turned the corner and went out of site his confidant got on his two way radio
"you'll never guess who we've got in tonight?"
"That's the spirit of the age" "Ladies and gentlemen a big hand for Matthew Wright!" as Dave requested the audience once more gave a rapturous reception that not only heralded the end of the song but also Matthews brief tenure as hawkwind frontman for the night. The gig was still going well but this song had not quite lived up to what had gone before it, the TV presenter had put in a sterling performance but at the same time seemed far more nervous and pre-occupied than he had done the previous May when he first appeared with the band at the same venue to do vocals on this classic from 1977. As he left the stage he was passed by Spacehead Bassist and Hawkwind crew member Mr Dibs who had "something very important" to tell Dave. News of the VIP had spread like wildfire through the venue management, security and now the band ever since the guard on the backstage door had not kept his end of the deal with his colleague.
"Dave" Mr Dibs shouted into the captains ear "Tony Blairs in tonight, he was that guest that Matthew wanted adding at the last minute"
Visibly shaken Dave exclaimed "F**KING HELL!" straight into his microphone which came as something of a shock to the audience before Dibs followed up with "but keep it to yourself"
Tony Blair found himself a place near the back of the hall and attempted to be as anonymous and inconspicuous as possible, not an easy task when you are without a doubt one the the most recognised people in the country. However this was helped somewhat by the fact that so focused was the bands performance on the night that the entire audiences energy and concentration was directed at the stage and as time went on and no-one came over to spoil his enjoyment he began to relax further. The show was heading towards it's finale and the obligatory encores when Dave once more came to his mic between songs
"Thank you, this is our last song tonight" boos from the crowd "unless of course you demand an encore" huge cheers "but for now this is one we haven't done in a long time, Alan, what have done with my Orgone Accumulator?"
With that the band smashed into the Space Ritual classic to yet more wild reaction from the crowd, the PM too could no longer contain himself and proceeded to play "air bass" in the style of Lemmy as well as singing along to every word and although like the original this version lasted the best part of ten minutes it seemed to pass as if it were two and before he or anybody else in the audience could believe it the song reached it's climax and for the last time in the main set Dave returned to the mic
"Cheers, you've been amazing, I'm not one for long speeches as most of you will know, but this has to be one of the best nights we've ever had and that's all thanks to you lot, we've got a lot planned for next year and if it's anything like tonight then it's going to be a bit special, thanks again and good night"
As the band left the stage the sound from the audience was deafening with the British Prime minister adding his voice to the many others demanding "MORE" and it came as no great surprise to people that in a couple of minutes the band duly obliged with an encore.
"In the perfumed garden of delights" The song Assassins of Allah came to an end and that really was the finale of the show, the band looked absolutely exhausted and totally elated at the same time, they wished the audience a happy Christmas and then exited the stage for the last time. As much as he had enjoyed the show Tony Blair missed the last couple of minutes of Assassins and instead made his way to the backstage area so he could meet with Matthew and the rest of the Band. He found his way to a room marked as "HOSPITALITY" and gingerly opened it only to find it empty apart from a large table laid out with assorted finger food, a wide variety of drinks of both alcoholic and non alcoholic and an assortment of seats and chairs. He hadn't had time to eat before he left Downing street as the G8 meeting in Frankfurt had gone on longer than expected and he'd only got home at eight o'clock and hence his late arrival at the show, he guessed it was probably the done thing to wait until your hosts had turned up before you tucked into the nibbles but on the other hand he was starving and also the British prime minister and in the absence of anybody else he took the executive decsion to announce that the buffet was well and truly open, so he proceeded to pick up a paper plate and started to pile it high with sausage rolls, turkey sandwiches, crisps, peanuts, twiglets etc. To wash it all down he got himself a can of Fosters Lager and found himself a seat and began to devour his little feast. As he took a swig from his frankly luke warm beer he heard excited voices approaching from the corridor outside.
"What a gig!" exclaimed Richard
"Stunning" added Alan
"Well done boys, I thoroughly enjoyed that" was Dave's opinion of the evenings events "right now I'm bloody starving lets get some food"
Huw and Lene Lovich had both left before the end of the gig and Matthew had just nipped off elsewhere to "get something" just as they entered the room Dave said to the other two, "and get this you'll never guess who was Matthews mate that I had to get added to the guestlist?"
He was about to explain further as they walked into the hospitality room but the job was done for him as there sitting on what could only be described as a fold away chair, dressed in Flared Jeans and a Demin Jacket that was clearly now a couple of sizes too small with a can of beer in one hand and a paper plate of food in the other was Tony Blair, the three exclaimed in unison
"F**KING HELL"
The PM got up from his seat, put down the beer and food and came over to meet his hero's
"Dave Brock, I've waited a long time for this moment, you've been a hero of mine for years, it's a pleasure to meet you"
"err, yeah, likewise, sir, Prime Minister, your highness err" Dave was clearly shaken
"Oh, please Tony's fine, it should be me who's asking how to address you, I mean you're a genuine Hawklord!"
Slowly the three band members began to relax as they still tried to take in what was going on, Blair on the other hand was a past master of these type of meetings and was most at ease and before long he had Dave in a deep conversation, not about the third world debt or Tibet, two topics close to Dave's heart but instead he was more interested about the bit of static that appears at the end of Levitation on the Canterbury Fayre album.
"Oh you're best to ask Collin about that as he's the one who records the gig's on his Laptop and Fostex D2424LV and three Behringer HA8000s, he uses them as gain controllers you know, and would you believe that all fits in a Gator case"
"Your getting a bit technical for me now Dave, I'm only a politician!"
Just at that point Matthew Wright re-appeared with what he had gone to get and it was quite clear for all to see that it was a laptop computer.
"Well Mr Wright, you're a bit of a dark horse aren't you, I didn't realise that you mixed in those circles" exclaimed Dave
"well I don't like to brag about it, you know" then Matthew turned to the PM "alright Tony have you said anything yet"
"Oh no, I thought it was best left till you got here with the lap top"
Dave suddenly got the impression that everything was not as it should be and that maybe there was an ulterior motive behind all of this, his suspicions were about to be confirmed!
By now the room was filling up with various bodies, crew members were grabbing a quick
bite to eat before getting the truck loaded, support band Tarrantism were taking advantage
of a beer and a sandwich before their long journey home and a few specially invited guests
attempted to mingle. However if the truth was known, regardless of anybody's political
persuasion there was only one person that folks were trying to catch the eye of and that
was Tony Blair, Dave actually found it quite refreshing in a way as usually at these post
gig shin digs he was the centre of attention and having to field questions from people in
various states of both alcoholic and chemical based stupor, last time they'd held such a
do he got stuck with those two jokers from the Hawkwind museum web site who managed to
chew his ear off for the duration of his stay! As Dave enjoyed the lack of attention
Matthew came over and joined him.
"Dave, would it be possible for me and Tony to have a word with you in private?"
"Yeah I guess so, does he also want a complimentary t-shirt, I'm sure if I talk to
Kris nicely we can spare one?"
"If you like, now where can we talk?"
Whilst not rude, Matthew came accross as a bit sharp and impatient to get this
"private chat" underway.
"Well you go and get him, there's a room down the corridor we can use" said
Dave.
The room in question has, it must be said seen better days, year's gone by it probably
served as another dressing room when the venue put on large theatrical productions but now
it was little more than a store room for paint tins, old files and some stationary. It
also gave the impression that it was rarely visited as the air felt heavy and musty and
everything was covered in a large film of dust, Dave flicked the light switch and to his
surprise the bulb still worked, we heard the footsteps of the other two approaching.
Matthew entered first with Blair right behind him.
"If you want a picture Tony I don't think this is necessarily the best place do
you" piped up Dave.
Matthew now very serious replied "Dave we need to talk this is important"
The hawkwind frontman looked a bit sheepish as Matthew began to explain the real reason for his recent involvement with the band.
"Dave it's time to come clean with you, I think you'd better have a look at this!"
From his jacket pocket he produced a credit card sized piece of plastic that he showed to Dave, as well as his picture it also had the following details
MATTHEW
WRIGHT
H.M GOVERNMENT
INTELLIGENCE DIVISION
SPECIAL PROJECTS
He looked at Dave and said "Now listen very closely"
Dave looked confused "now let me get this straight, you're a covert agent for MI5 and you've been keeping tabs on me and the rest of the band for years, see bloody people wouldn't listen when I told 'em me phone was tapped when Stonehenge was going down, and to think I treated you as a friend Matthew, I mean you're on the next single for Christ sake, I've got a bloody spy on there, this just gets better, this is the story of my life, just when you think things are looking up some bas***d comes and knocks the ladder from under you, oh gawd", as the reader may have gathered Dave was now getting quite agitated and for the first time in years was taking on the persona of Blakey Brock from his failed "On The Buses" project that was exposed by the Hawkwind Museum in their Hawkfilms expose back in April, Matthew tried to calm him down and explain more.
"No, no Dave you've got it wrong, the reason I've been watching you is for positive reasons"
"What do you mean by that?"
"The thing is we have literally thousands of people under surveillance because we think they have a special talent that is well, unique and specialised and we need to know what you are doing in case we need to call upon their services in a time of crisis or emergency and you just so happen to be one of those people"
"So what's my specialist subject and what's Tony Blair got to do with it"
"Dave, we've kept you in the dark long enough, I'll get the laptop fired up and all will be revealed" he switched the machine on and in a matter of seconds the screen proudly displayed the union jack, "right first things first, lets call up Austin Texas"
"Austin Texas" spluttered Dave, "that's where me old china plate Michael Moorcock lives"
Matthew was concentrating on entering sensitive passwords and could have done without the distraction but gave Dave a look as if to say "Yes I know", and continued to type, a few seconds later he said "that should do it" and then turned the screen so that the other two could see it and sure enough in one corner of the display was a very confused Michael Moorcock being beamed by the miracles of computers from his home to a musty old room in central London.
"It's okay Dave, you can speak to him" said Matthew
Dave gingerly took a step forward and looked inquisitively at the machine and then bellowed "HELLO MICHAEL CAN YOU HEAR ME?"
Ones to assume that Michael heard him loud and clear judging by the way he jumped when Brock enquired.
"It's Ok" Matthew explained "just talk in you normal voice"
When both his ears and his composure had recovered Mr Moorcock gave a little wave and a simple "you alright" at a far more reasonable level.
Matthew got to work on the laptop once more "right, all I need to do is patch through to Camp David and we'll be ready"
"Ohh matron, camp David, he sounds like a nice boy!" exclaimed Dave in it has to be said a quite politically incorrect way, although his impersonation of Kenneth Williams was surprisingly good.
Both Tony Blair and Matthew shot a look at Dave as to say "just behave yourself" as another corner of the screen was now taken up with none other than George W Bush sitting behind a large desk, he spoke
"Good evening gentlemen, lets begin"
It soon became apparent that the president would be doing most of the talking. "Now obviously I know Tony and Matthew but have to admit to not being familiar with you David and your friend over my side of the pond, Michael. that said my boys have briefed me on the pair of you and to give me a bit more background knowledge they procured me copies of the albums Warrior On The Edge Of Time and The Chronicle Of The Black Sword, not really my cup of tea, more of a jazz man myself!
Dave interrupted, in his normal voice this time "well that's one thing we've got in common, actually you might be able to help me out, there's a particularly jazz magazine that's only available in the states called jazz world, could you get me some copies, I do like looking at jazz mags, I like the pictures best, especially when I'm on me own, how about you Mr president do you like looking at jazz mags? "
"Well err"
Matthew intervened "I think this topic can wait till later, please continue Mr President", he then turned to Dave and mouthed the words "shut the f**k up you wind up merchant"
"As I was saying, so why have we got you together? well to put it bluntly the pair of you together with a couple of your other band members are our only hope of saving civilisation as we know it!"
He continued "Know from what little information I have on the pair of you I take it you're not big fans of the whole Iraq war?"
"Too bloody right" they said in unison.
"Well maybe you'll feel differently when you hear this, our real reason for going in and invading had nothing to do with the oil, no gentlemen our motive to invade was to attempt to rescue an individual, around the world he's know by many different names but I think you'll both recognise him as Santa Claus"
"WHAT" cried Dave
"Have you been passing round your exotic cigarettes again Dave" was Moorcocks response.
"No gentlemen listen, Saddam Hussein is without a doubt one of the biggest tyrants ever to walk this earth"
"takes one to know one" muttered Dave
"He's committed heinous crimes against both his own people and his neighbours and now hopefully we'll nail him in the courts, but things really came to a head last April when he kidnapped Santa, to keep his identity a secret we put out this story that he lives on the North pole, in reality he lives in Saudi Arabia, last April he was up near the border and that bas***d Saddam sent over some of his special forces and nabbed the poor f***er". If this got out it'd devastate a large part of the free world"
Dave interjected "Right, now I'm waiting for Jeremy Beadle to appear any moment but I've also realised that his show was axed years ago, so I've got to assume this is not a wind up, so where do we fit in?"
"I thought that would have been obvious gentlemen" continued the president "we need you to go and deliver all of the presents"
"Can one of you go and get me a large Brandy" enquired Dave "I can't stand the stuff actually but I feel needs must!"
"I'll go" said Matthew "Tony will fill you in with a few more details"
Before dave had time to say that he hadn't even made his mind up the British prime minister continued "I know this is a bit short notice but I'm sure you'll understand our reasons, now the thing is we need to get you on the conversion course ASAP, how about tomorrow?"
"what conversion course" exclaimed the bemused band leader
"For the craft of course" said Blair "I'm sure for a man of your experience it won't be a problem, but you know what it's like these days, whole world's full of bloody civil servants insisting that all the i's have to be dotted and the t's crossed"
Dave let out and sigh and said " I'm sorry you've completely lost me now, what on earth are you on about"
"Well you don't think we use a sleigh for god sake do you?"
"At this present moment in time nothing would surprise me, is that reindeers I can hear coming up the corridor?"
Reindeers it most definitely was not, instead it was Matthew with the brandy, as he entered Blair spoke to him "Matthew we seem to have a bit of a problem here"
"oh yeah what's that"
"well you clearly intimated to me that Mr Brock would be up to speed on these matters and from where I'm standing he clearly isn't"
"At last someone around here is talking some sense" quipped Dave.
Matthew continued "The reason you've been chosen for this mission is that having analysed your lyrics at length it's pretty obvious that you are at the forefront of understanding the mysteries of the cosmos, space and time travel, songs such as Master of the universe, Space is Deep, Uncle Sam's on mars and well most of the Alien4 album, with the exception of the track Festivals, oh and come to think of it Death Trap too, clearly bears this out, add to that the fact that you call yourself the Captain of the ship you also must have the leadership qualities that we're looking for! also Mike's a bit on the chubby side and has a big beard that we can easily dye white, he's an ideal stand in for the real Santa and finally your two band mates Alan and Richard they're a bit, how shall I put this - vertically challenged so are ideal for the job of Santa's little helpers, it's the ideal package, at least that's what I thought"
Dave thought for a second before making his reply "well, I'll agree with you on some of the points, Mike is an ideal Santa"
The author who up till now had looked on from his link in Austin in total bemusement spoke
"Oh thanks, with mates like you who needs enemies"
Dave ignored the interruption and carried on "And Ali and Rich are indeed fine candidates for Santa's little helpers as they are both small and very helpful, I mean if they're over at my gaff recording or rehearsing me and Kris will often have them doing the ironing or cleaning between takes and I can say hand on heart they've never complained, not once, but as for me and this time travel and space bo**ocks I haven't got a clue, the truth of the matter is that in the early 70's I did read a couple of science fiction books but to be honest I found them really boring, sure they gave me a bit of inspiration for some songs but that's about it, unfortunately for me the fans really dug this whole side of the band and so to earn a meagre crust I've had to carry it on with this facade, I get people coming up to me asking if I prefer Star Trek Generations to Deep Space 9, I try and cobble an answer together just to keep these folks happy but the truth of the matter is I don't care, you could say that I'm more Benny Hill than Dr Spock, I mean I love to slap Alan on his bald patch just like Benny used to do to that little bloke in his TV shows but I hardly think that constitutes the making of somebody with arguably the most important job of the year!"
Matthew looked at the prime minister who looked at the computer screen where the president was looking back from, he spoke -
"He's got a point you know"
"Mr president" said Dave "that's probably the most intelligent thing I've ever heard you say!"
"Well thank you Mr Brock I appreciate that"
"This is getting us nowhere" snapped the PM "what are we going to do"
The room was silent until Dave spoke although you could literally hear peoples brains working trying to find a solution.
"You're in the sh*t aren't you" was the chief hawkpersons eloquent observation
"Too bloody right" was Blairs reply
"Well I've been thinking, maybe there is a way out of this for all concerned"
"If you've got a solution then please share it with us" said Blair
"Okay then I will, now Mr president please don't take this the wrong way"
"I'm sure I won't Dave, please continue
"Fair enough, well from where I'm standing you're one of the most despicable human beings to have ever walked this earth, you cheated your way into power with the help of daddy and his contacts, you've sent young men to their deaths in this phoney search for weapons of mass distraction and then there's the Kyoto agreement that you've ignored and as the leader of a country the size of America you more than anybody should be aware of the havoc that pollution can cause if it's not kept in check and as for your views on abortion - "
"STOP" said Bush, what is it you want
"firstly you don't stand for president again, I realise the secrecy of this mission, should I choose to accept it, that was a bit Tom Cruise wasn't it, where was I, oh yes, next you pull out of Iraq at the earliest possible opportunity, I'm not that stupid that I can't see that there is work to be done including getting the real father Christmas back, but as soon as it's safe you're outta their, and hands off their oil as well, I don't want to read that daddy's set up a company that's raking all the profits off and leaving the Iraqi's destitute, it's their oil for them to profit from, as for the other two points I think that's pretty self explanatory, you agree to all that and you've got my word that I'll do all I can to keep the children of the world happy come Christmas day, that's the deal take it or leave it!"
As Dave spoke you could see the blood drain from the presidents cheeks and by the time he had finished he was as white as a sheet.
"You drive a hard bargain Mr Brock, you're talking about things close to my heart, I mean where are families such as mine and Dick Cheney's expected to swindle their next meagre billion from if we can't exploit a few people along the way, but I can also see that we're in one almighty predicament here, and well, seeing as it's the season of goodwill I guess I'm left with no option but to say yes!"
"Fair enough" said dave, "how about you Mike"
"You've left me with very little option other than to say yes"
"right then I'll square it with the other two and then I suppose I'll have to do me conversion course"
By this time Tony Blair and Matthew where breathing huge sighs of relief and looking pretty pleased with themselves, that was until dave turned to them.
"Right that's Bush sorted out, now there's something you two can do for me"
"No problem" said Blair "say what you want and it's yours"
"Okay then, I want the new single Spirit Of The Age playlisted on all radio stations and on heavy rotation, oh and a guaranteed top 5 entry into the charts"
The prime minister also started to loose colour
"when I said anything, I meant something that was possible!"
Alan and Richard looked startled, the bass assasin was the first to speak "look Dave we all like a smoke now and again but you were the one who insists on no hard drugs, you dissapear for a quarter of an hour and when you come back you're spouting on about Mickey Moorcock being santas stand in and you me and Rich having to help him to deliver the presents to children all over the world, for f**ks sake man what have you been taking?
"Apart from a rather large glass of Brandy to steady me nerves, nothing, I can understand how you feel I felt the same when they told me but you have to believe me this is the real deal" was Dave's reply
Alan whispered to his opposite number in the hawkwind rhythm section
"Rich I think you need to go and get Kris, she's not going to like this but I think Dave's finally lost the plot big time"
As those 'in the know' were well aware, Dave most certainly had not lost his marbles, although it should also be noted that being the mainstay of a reasonably successful Space rock band for over 30 years ones sanity must surely be questioned!, he was also an expert lip reader that came from years of playing loud rock music at near deafening levels,
"No, no,no for gawd's sake don't go and get her I'm still trying to work out how to explain this one to her, we've still got the nut roast to get for Christmas day and I've got to think of an excuse to get out of it!"
as this heated discussion was taking place Matthew and the PM appeared at the other end of the corridor and proceeded to walk towards the three band members, as they approached Blair spoke
"Alright boys, no problems are there?"
Dave made sure that it was his voice that was heard above the other two
"Problems, why on earth would there be problems, I mean I've got my two other cohorts from the band questioning my sanity and then there's the small matter of explaining to me other half the small fact that I'm off on a top secret covert operation a couple of days before Christmas, not knowing when I'll be back, she thinks that we're going home tomorrow then it's off down Kwik Save to get one of their no frills nut roasts for the big day, just a typical Christmas in the Brock - Tait household, so no I don't see any problems do you" came the sarcastic reply.
Tony Blair remained calm, let dave finish and then continued
"Okay, I can understand where you're coming from but we need to get things moving pretty quickly, we've sorted it with Kris, the cover story is that Universal Music in the states has offered you a huge recording contract and you've got to go and sign it over there"
"And she believed it?" Dave interjected
"Well" explained Blair "she seems to be coming around to the idea, although it's a good job Mr Dibs had some gaffer tape to hand, that was a nasty gash she got on the side of her head when she keeled over, still like a good boy scout he appears to have patched her up, she'll be fine in a couple of days" he then turned his attentions to the other two "and no, contrary to popular belief Dave is still very much on the money, all those years of moderate excess, smoking roll ups and drinking the occasional glass of mid price white wine have not taken their toll all that he told you is true, gentlemen it's down to you to save Christmas!"
It was fast becoming a trend as the evening wore on that people had a tendency to suddenly look very pale and appear to be on the verge of collapse and on this occasion the lucky recipients of this affliction were Alan and Richard
"Now as I said" Blair now seemed anxious to get things moving "time is tight and the first thing we need to do get your costumes, I mean uniforms sorted, Matthew has already alerted a colleague of his in the states who goes under the code name of agent Starfarer to sort out Mikes while Matthew himself will supervise the issuing of your own costumes, s**t I mean uniforms."
At the rear of the venue sat two anonymous looking black people carriers both with opaque windows to all sides, although brand new and spotless they did not look special in any way and would look quite at home on the streets of London, one was for getting the PM back to Downing Street, the story he had given his wife Cherrie earlier in the evening about walking or getting a cab was for cover as she also was unaware of the real reason for his trip to the concert, whilst the other was for the band and Matthew, as the five of them left the building the PM spoke "Well lads this is it, there's little else I can say other than good luck and remember the world is counting on you!"
"No pressure then" said Dave
As he spoke the prime minister had already been ushered into the waiting vehicle by it's chauffeur and was soon being driven away at speed along the narrow access road behind the Astoria, meanwhile the rest of them were beckoned towards the second vehicle in this short motorcade and soon the sliding door on this was also shut which in turn made it's passengers invisible to the outside world, before any of the others had a chance to speak Matthew started to talk, at the same time the people carrier moved quickly but smoothly away "Right now I know I've deceived you and betrayed your trust but things are now on such a tight schedule that we're going to have to put these things to one side, the only way this mission can work is complete co-operation on all sides, put aside any misgivings and get on with the job in hand, agreed?"
The other three occupants looked at each other, a few words were whispered and then Dave who unsurprisingly was acting as spokesperson said "Agreed"
"Good" said Matthew "Now take it easy for a little while, you're going to need to conserve as much energy as possible"
--------------
In little over a quarter of an hour and with at least three of the vehicles occupants having no idea where they now were it came to a halt, the chauffeur spoke in a monotone voice "Mr Wright we're here"
Dave was the first to speak, by now he was slowly warming to the idea and you could tell by the tone of his voice that he was actually getting quite excited "So where are we then Matthew, a top secret underground lair, a bit like what you see in James Bond films?"
"Err, no" before he had time to finish the sliding door was opened by the driver, outside was a drab looking parade of shops that could have been anywhere on the outskirts of any major city in the UK, there was a convenience store, a laundrette, a bookmakers amongst others, being 03.30 in the morning they all sat in darkness, that was apart from one, this was the one that Matthew indicated that they would be visiting, the three band members looked at the sign above the entrance, it read -
ARTHUR
BROWN'S FANCY DRESS HIRE SHOP
ALL NEEDS CATERED FOR!
"You can't trust no b***ard these days, he told me the reason he couldn't play with us tonight was because he was off to America to promote his new Vampire Suite album" muttered Dave to no-one in particular as he left the shop, Matthew was thanking Mr Brown for keeping the shop open till such a late hour as the other two struggled with large boxes under their arms to get out of the dressing up emporium. The people carrier was still waiting with it's engine running smoothly and almost silently in the background, as they approached the chauffeur opened the large rear door so that the boxes could be stowed in there for their onward journey, as they got themselves comfortable once more, Dave spoke
"Right then Matthew, I think I'm speaking on behalf of all of us here when I say that we're not overly impressed with our 'uniforms' but being men of honour, what's next?"
Matthew replied "Okay, well now it's down to the serious stuff, we're heading down towards your neck of the woods Dave, Wiltshire to be exact to RAF Boscombe Down that's where you're going to do the conversion training"
"Now I'm getting confused again, conversion training to what" Dave asked anxiously
"To our craft" said Matthew, let me show you, as was the want in these plush executive vehicles, small television screens were mounted in the rear of the seats, the TV host switched one on and picked up a remote control unit that sat neatly in the arm rest in the door. After a few seconds a picture of what could only be described as a sleek silver flying saucer appeared on the screen.
"Bloody hell!" exclaimed Dave "that looks just like the one on the inside of the Alien 4 cover, I hope you've got copyright clearance on that, ere boys we might be owed a few quid here!"
"No dave this is for real, you're one of the privileged few people on this planet to have seen what is the most classified project ever undertaken by any government anywhere on this planet, this is a joint operation between us and the yanks, there's two of these babies in existence one at Boscombe and the other at Area 51 in the Nevada desert, we actively encourage all this extra terrestrial crap as a way of masking the truth as the minute you mention little green men a vast percentage of the population instantly dismiss it as the work of cranks, or come to think of it, 70's space Rock acts!, these same folks would freak if they knew the truth, I don't know if any of you are aware of the story of the crash of the top secret plane at Boscombe back in September 1994 but the truth was that that was the prototype that came to grief, hence the huge cover up"
"And you expect me to fly this thing, isn't there somebody more suited to it, like a top gun test pilot of somebody?"
"Not really, you see the only person who's got any experience is Santa himself, he oversaw the whole program, we presumed as I've already explained that you were well up on this sort of thing so you were the ideal replacement"
"Well" said dave now realising the enormity of the task before him "I'll give it a go, but these days being the old codger that I am I have problem reversing me camper van into a parking space at the local Quick Save, so how I'm going to cope with this lord only knows!"
"I'm sure you'll do fine" was Matthews reply as he fidgeted in a nervous way in his seat as the people carrier whisked the passengers along the A303 towards their destination.
Footnote Although having nothing to do with either this story or Hawkwind, if you like conspiracy theories or government cover ups then click on the "September 1994" hyperlink above, it makes for interesting reading!
As the people carrier swept through the gates of Boscombe Down things were also gathering pace some some 5000 miles away in Austin, Texas. Unbeknown to Michael Moorcock the mysterious agent Starfarer had already arrived in his adopted hometown earlier that day from his base just outside of Las Vegas which incidentally was located conveniently near to the top secret area 51 installation. His job was to escort the author, firstly to the aforementioned Area 51 for familiarisation with the craft based there before bringing him to the UK on one of the mysterious Janet Air Boeing 737's so that he could meet up with Dave and his crew. By now it was 05.30 on the morning, UK time on the 22nd December, all being well Moorcock and Starfarer would be touching down on British soil some 24 hours later giving the four of them roughly a day to bring everything together before the mission proper started, time was indeed becoming a premium so dave and the other two were quickly ushered to some staff quarters on the base so that they could at least get some rest. It was agreed that they would get a wake up call at 12.00 mid- day Dave would them begin not his conversion course but a very intensive self taught training session to get the hang of "the craft" whilst Alan and Richard were to get instruction on using the internal LGP system whatever that was, for now though the only thing that the three were worried about were their beds.
Meanwhile in Austin it was a case of "so far so good", it was just past midnight local time so the traffic from Moorcocks house to the airport was light as agent Starfarer whisked his passenger to their awaiting chariot. The discretely marked aircraft was parked well away from the main terminal building and by the time their car pulled up next to it the two Pratt and Whitney engines were already running and within 60 seconds of the pair of them being aboard the plane was literally "standing on the runway waiting to take off" and a mere minute later the only evidence of it's covert visit was it's strobing anti collision lights in the cold but clear Texas night sky as it disappeared in a north westerly direction. It would take the Boeing a little under three hours to cover the 1200 miles to Area 51 and in that time agent Starfarer brought Moorcock up to speed on a few things, he explained that usually the real Santa would fly the craft but on this occasion it was decided that job would go to "Capt. Brock" leaving the bearded and slightly overweight author the job of simply giving the orders to move from continent to continent as well as Ho, Ho, Ho 'ing a lot and giving out those good vibes that everyone seems to get at Christmas, actual present distribution would be down to Alan and Richard, having explained this he then proceeded to open the brief case that had been by his side the whole time he had been in Moorcocks company, he assumed he was about to be shown classified documents relating to the mission but instead the agent brought out copies of Chronicle Of The Black Sword, Warrior On the edge Of time, Zones and The Yule Ritual then said -
"While we've got a bit of down time, wouldn't mind signing these would you, got some of me others in here, I'm hoping I can get Dave and the others to sign those!"
He duly obliged although at the same time did look a bit stunned by the request considering the gravity of the situation that they were in. The rest of the flight was uneventful and both men managed to grab some sleep as one of the US governments worst kept secrets, namely Janet Airlines effortlessly transported them to one of it's other worst kept secrets in the form of area 51 and sure enough at 02.05 local time the plane touched down on the complexes huge runway and was soon coming to a halt outside the (in) famous S-4 building. What lay behind it's massive doors was beyond most peoples comprehension, "the craft" sat motionless in mid air, apparently unsupported, it wasn't huge, maybe 100 ft accross, it was difficult to estimate, the hull, fuselage call it what you will appeared to be constructed out of a single piece of whatever exotic material it was made from as there was no sign of any joins, welds or rivets. The shine of it's silver colour was like nothing seen before it, you literally had to cover your eyes as the light it reflected was so bright and seemingly so pure, agent Starfarer spoke
"So Mike what do you reckon?"
"'kin incredible, makes most of the craft in my books look cr*p!"
The agent did not disagree but continued "Due to the secrecy and nature of this mission we can't let you aboard this one just in case anything goes wrong between now and Christmas eve so we're going to get some sleep in some crew quarters that have been sorted for us, it'll only be three hours as the plane leaves at 07.00 local but every minute that we conserve energy is vital, once we arrive in the UK I can't see that you'll get much kip for 48 hours at least!"
"Got anymore good news!" was the Authors short and sharp reply.
"Wake up call for Mr Brock" There was also a loud knock on the door and with that Dave slowly stirred from his slumber. All the excitement and differing emotions of the last 12 hours had taken their toll on the ageing muscician and the best description you could give of him as he rose from his bed was that he looked like a "sack of sh*t", the voice the other side of the door spoke again "are you there Mr Brock"
"Yes I'm here" he wearily replied.
"If we can have you in briefing room 1 in 15 minutes please sir, and can you be wearing your full uniform please sir"
"As you wish, 15 minutes it is"
Dave was now beginning to come around, he had a quick wash and brush up in the adjacent bathroom and then opened the box that he had collected last night from Arthur's shop, he looked at what he was expected to wear, it was not a pretty site. It could best be described as looking like the White Naval uniform that Richard Gere wore in the film "An Officer And A Gentleman" although this one did have a lot more braiding and decorations on it to signify Dave's position as captain, to put it bluntly it looked ridiculous, whilst the aforementioned Mr Gere was both young enough and if we're honest here, handsome enough to get away with it unfortunately Dave failed miserably on both counts, this was one officer that definitely wasn't going to have women going weak at the knees.
Dave's only consolation was that he was not alone in the dodgy clothes department as both Alan and Richard were also kitted out in their uniforms when they all met up in briefing room 1 a short while later. For the rhythm section Arthur had sorted out elf costumes as they were to be in essence "Santa's little helpers" so the pointed shoes, green tights, smock and pointy hat would be ideal, well at least that's what Mr Brown had told them the previous night. I suggest that you use all your powers of imagination to try and recreate this scene in your head, I think you'll find it a worthwhile exercise ;-)
The three of them were soon joined by what could best be described as "Military top brass", they explained that dave would be taken to the top secret facility that was situated a mile underground to begin his flight training, a massive "practice area" some 10 miles in length and 5 miles wide had been constructed down there many years ago and this would be fine for basic training, time constraints being what they were a lot of it would have to be "on the job" training so to speak. The military big wigs then turned to Alan and Richard and said "And as for you two, you'll be getting a crash course in LGP!"
LGP, it turned out stood for Laser Guided Presents. I'm sure many of you will be familiar with the footage that is often rolled out at times of military conflicts when we are shown these amazing "smart weapons" that are apparently so accurate that they can be directed down ventilation shafts and the like, They are indeed items of the highest technological order but what is less well known is that they only came about as a spin off from the LGP project. For years Santa had been complaining to the authorities that the conventional way of manually delivering the presents to children was both out of date and inefficient, he was once heard to say at a meeting between himself and the CIA "you try and aim friggin parcels of all shapes and sizes down chimneys for hours on end and see how you get on, they'll be f**k up's I guarantee it". After many years of moaning the authorities finally took notice and LGP was born, now all the Red suited bearded one had to do was aim a laser at the appropriate chimney and then shout "NOW" to his helpers who would then release the presents down one of the crafts many deployment chutes and hey presto the jobs a goodun!
Whilst Alan and Richard learnt the rudiments of LGP, Dave was on an altogether much steeper learning curve as he taught himself to fly the craft. It had to be said that he actually got the hang of it pretty quickly and was soon moving forward in straight lines with a fair degree of confidence. However like many people of a "certain age" his problems came when he tried to go backwards and on more than one occasion he managed to scrape the back of the craft, although fortunately for him such was the strength of the craft that it left no visible marks and by six o'clock UK time it was decided that all three members of the crew were sufficiently proficient in their allotted tasks that training was halted for the day and after a hearty dinner of bean stew, the three were returned to their quarters to await the arrival of the "star of the show" Santa Claus AKA Michael Moorcock!
"F**k me Brock, ever since I've known you, things have always been interesting, but this is a corker even by your standards" Was Michael Moorcock's greeting to his long time collaborator as he met him on the tarmac of the Wiltshire air base that was still shrouded in darkness.
"you have to believe me Mike I'm as surprised as you, Oh and by the way, what about the Death Generator project, you still up for it?" Was how Dave chose to re-aquatint himself with his old chum from Ladbroke Grove.
Agent Starfarer could see that thing had the potential to get off "on the wrong foot" and quickly intervened "Okay, now Mike you go with Alan and Richard, Dave you come with me, there's something I need to show you in my brief case"
The rest of the day passed uneventfully as the crew got as much rest as possible before the nights mission, the Military Top Brass who had briefed Dave, Alan and Richard had called another meeting for six o'clock Christmas eve so that the final details of the nights sortie could be revealed. The only event of any significance during the day was the alterations to Mr Moorcocks Santa suit, whilst the other three's "uniforms" were strictly "off the peg" numbers, it was felt that Santas needed to fit properly and to that end a team of Saville Row tailors were brought on to the base to complete the task in double quick time and sure enough by 18.00 hours local time the author was indeed decked out in a figure hugging suit of finest red velvet and white fake fur piping.
By the evening both of the agents had left the base, Matthew Wright had returned to London so as he could present the breakfast show on LBC in the morning, whilst agent Starfarer had been transported back to the states on the Janet Air plane and all things being equal would be home in time to spend Christmas day with his wife and kids. Meanwhile at the briefing final details were explained to the crew, the mission was to begin at eight o'clock local with the first port of call being Australia with the final port of call being Michael's adopted home town of Austin, the reason being that with time zones they could drop him off their and then make a dash back to the UK so that the three remaining crew members could be back on British soil in time to enjoy the festivities with families and friends, oh and in case you're wondering their were various top secret stop off points around the globe to pick up more presents, I mean the craft was only a 100 ft accross!
And so here we are, Christmas is a distant memory and now we are into the year 2004, but for now cast your mind back to this time last week when depending on where you lived you would have been waking up on Christmas morning and hopefully for most of you a large pile of presents would be waiting for you as you got downstairs. Now you have to remember that these boys were amateurs and as you can now see were very much "thrown in at the deep end" so if you ended up getting novelty socks instead of that copy of the Hawklords album on CD then you now know why as somewhere on the planet somebody who is a big Simpson's fan, or well into their sports instead opened a small square package that contained an obscure, albeit fine recording from a little known British space rock band!
THE END!!
So what
did you think? got a comment
e-mail here